Couple Means "Two" - Not One-sided
So often I hear and read information that points out that the social inadequacies of individual diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome as the main reason that relationships and marriages struggle and possibly fail. There is truth in the struggles that the relationship may face but to blame having A.S. as the sole reason would be grasping for an excuse to what it truly is that may have been the actual aspects of the doomed and unbalanced relationship. When two people begin to connect, if they do not connect on all levels (communication, emotional, physical, responsibilities, goals, morals, ethics etc.) then they must work to adapt and find the balance that is needed if they truly wish to connect as a couple. No relationship will last if it is "One-sided"! If only one of the individuals is committed and dedicated to the relationship or marriage, then eventually the distance will become so great that the couple will separate. They call it a couple because there are two people involved and two people are needed to create the balance. One cannot carry the load alone while the other does not add the ingredients needed to create a balance. Two people can be physically together and totally alone which can lead to resentment and emotional damage. COUPLE MEANS TWO!
Everyone has differences and having a social difference certainly does create challenges that differ from other problems but individuals can work to understand and find direction, strategies and strengths that can make it possible to have a shared relationship. Asperger Syndrome is not an excuse but it is a reason that does create specific challenges and with the right attitude, it can and will add ingredients to a relationship that will be appreciated. Generally Aspies think outside the box, are dependable, honest and passionate about a purpose they chose to follow. A relationship with another human allows for two people to bring forth all of their attributes to connect together as a team, a couple. Navigating a relationship has no easy answers, must be seen as a journey of discovery. Trusting and respecting the other person as well as yourself is a good place to start. Part of the A.S. dilemma is that Asperger Syndrome is a spectrum disorder which means the levels of strengths, weakness, capabilities and understanding are very different for each individual. Environment factors, amount of support, circumstances and experiences will factor in to how the A.S. individual copes and overcomes their personal life experiences. But if an Aspie wishes to have relationships then they also must work to achieve success just as any typical or non-typical bond would be required to do. A.S. can make it difficult to walk out your door each day so to become involved with society does take an enormous amount of work and a relationship that you believe is possible and of positive meaning, will take even more work. Be honest with the other person about your struggles with social ques and understanding and learn to trust the other person and ask questions if you do not know or believe you do not understand completely. This is a way of showing that you care to learn and adapt to their needs, wants, emotions, thoughts, ideas and goals. Some people have "Date Night", try a "How Are You Doing Night" and listen, don't allow it to be only you talking. Listen...Really Listen! Intimacy does not just pertain to sexual intimacy, it is also the union and sharing of two people on an emotional level. Typical couples struggle with the same things so don't feel as though your A.S. differences are the only problem. Relationships can actually make an Aspie feel typical because relationships are hard for everyone but they also are a gift of many awesome and beautiful experiences in life.
In the past few years, Asperger Syndrome has received an extreme amount of attention and awareness due to better diagnostic testing, the media and a broaden awareness by individuals that may now question whether they could be on the spectrum. Happily, the awareness is bringing better understanding and acceptance but it has also open the doors for it to be used as a "Catch All Phrase" and an excuse for some people. This can cause severe problems for those that do struggle each day to function in a world that already fears differences and may not be so patient and understanding. Since I personally advocate and speak to the public about Aspergers, I have found that many times after meeting and hearing me speak, some have questioned whether this may be the problem with their spouse. Maybe they are undiagnosed AS? I question, " Maybe they are just selfish and you are in an unhappy, one-sided relationship?" I could be wrong but using A.S. as an excuse makes it very difficult to prove to yourself and others that we can succeed in relationships. People go to work, come home, eat dinner, run through their routines and try to meet all the daily demands of life. If we neglect the relationship and are not consistent with staying committed to its needs, it will crumble like a poorly built house. If there are children in the relationship, parenting means a joint effort to share in the children's needs. If one of the people in the relationship is only about their needs and them self, the other will be left to believe that they are not important, not being heard or seen and their needs are of no concern. Being an A.S. individual can make it very difficult to understand what the other person is thinking or needs but as I said before, it is never an excuse not to try to learn. ASK! Someone that is selfish will not wish to try and learn and this is where the truth comes that, YOU CANNOT HELP SOMEONE, IF THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO HELP THEMSELVES! "(or they don't want to) You may be in a "One -sided relationship" You may have already become invisible except for being a sounding board or you may have even taken on the parent role instead of being seen as a partner. You may be the person that is not" Holding up their end". The "One-sided Spouse" will damage the emotional intimacy of the relationship and leave the other feeling inadequate, neglected and insignificant. A spouse who is self absorbed in their own personal responsibilities, interests, needs, wants and hobbies, will become entangled in their own world of chaos and expect you to still be there for them when they need you to be. Even though they may not intentionally be trying to hurt their mate, the damage is being done and the emotionally drained spouse will grow silent, withdrawn, depressed and more apart from the one-sided spouse. The distance may take years or it may happen quickly but it will happen. This is not caused by Asperger Syndrome, this is an individual's choice!
ARE YOU IN A ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIP? ARE YOU THE REASON IT IS ONE-SIDED? DO YOU WISH TO TRY TO BE A COUPLE? WHAT DO YOU DO?
Tough questions but if you wish to find the answers it will take honesty, awareness, communication and work. Let us look at two spouses that we will name Jim and Tess. Jim does not know if he has Asperger Syndrome yet has never felt as he belonged socially and he always just went the direction that he chose to go. Tess is a typical person who had friends growing up but was not a "social butterfly" (I had to look that up). Both went to college and received degrees in their fields of interests and it was at college that they first met. Jim watched Tess and saw a person that he thought would be a good candidate for his future. Tess was kind, understanding and patient. She also was very smart and would listen to Jim and show an interest in his ideas and plans. After their first encounter, Jim found Tess to be lacking in a feeling of self-worth and in his mind felt he could provide her with worth. He did not notice that she was a beautiful woman that was not afraid to express who she was through her emotions, he only saw what his employee job requirements would be for a partner and Tess fit that description. Jim was relentless in having Tess share his life and Tess grew to appreciate the attention. They eventually married. Jim felt he had his trophy. They had two children and started a business, Jim's business. Tess became the responsible person in all areas beyond the business including taking care of all of Jim's needs and life went on.....Years have passed, the children have grown and moved on and Jim and Tess are now living emotionally apart yet still together. Tess feels disconnected, emotionally neglected, trapped and depressed with no self-esteem. Jim is content and therefore does not see that there is anything wrong. As he becomes more aware, he is at a loss to understand and does not wish to try to figure it out as long as his needs are still being met. Can they repair the damage? Can they find a balance to be a couple, something that although it was a mirage in the beginning, can it now be developed to become a reality?
- If you are an A.S. individual then be honest in the beginning. If you have recently discovered that you are an Aspie and you truly wish to make the changes and balance your relationship and become a couple....You have work to do!
- If you are a typical person and knew that your spouse has A.S. then help to develop a plan, they were honest but they need your help to better see and hear you. If you just recently discovered your spouse has A.S. do your research on A.S. and then be honest to yourself and your spouse whether you believe you can work to meet them halfway to a new beginning in the relationship.
- If you are a selfish person who can only be content when all your needs and wants are met even at the expense of your spouse or partner...This is where I should filter since I do not wish to put into words how cruel it is to inflict emotional abuse on
another. Do the right thing and let them be free from your war.
- If you are someone with a selfish person, step away and honor yourself for you have worth. You do not have to feel invisible and if you just lay down and ignore what is true, you will be the doormat that the mud gets wiped on.
All relationships are an investment. If one person is investing and the other is just riding along in the relationship, it may be time to readjust the relationship expectations or end the relationship. This may prove difficult if there is years invested into the relationship but unless the person keeping up their part is willing to continue doing so, it may be time to re-invest. Start small on trying to give opportunity to find the balance. Try these four areas within your relationship to see if there could be hope:
(Being responsible enough to take out the trash if that is your job, that may seem trivial but it is showing you care. If you promise to do something, do it! If you agreed upon plans..go! If the other person has made plans to enjoy themselves...be happy for them!)
Do not degrade the other person or make them feel they are less. When disagreeing, do not yell louder, take the time to understand the situation and work together towards a solution. ( have you ever watched those talk shows where two people spend an hour accusing and yelling at one another....defensive with no solution) In a relationship as a couple, if one wins then you both lose. If you can come to an mutual agreement, you both win. Relationships are like a house. Trust and respect are the foundation. Adaptability and communication are the structure. Commitment and dependability are the walls. Appreciating one another are the decoration you adore the home with. Build a strong relationship and you will be appreciated and protected.
There are many types of relationships you can become part of and if you are both willing to overcome obstacles adapt, trust in each other and work together, you can balance your lives together as a couple.
Everyone has differences and having a social difference certainly does create challenges that differ from other problems but individuals can work to understand and find direction, strategies and strengths that can make it possible to have a shared relationship. Asperger Syndrome is not an excuse but it is a reason that does create specific challenges and with the right attitude, it can and will add ingredients to a relationship that will be appreciated. Generally Aspies think outside the box, are dependable, honest and passionate about a purpose they chose to follow. A relationship with another human allows for two people to bring forth all of their attributes to connect together as a team, a couple. Navigating a relationship has no easy answers, must be seen as a journey of discovery. Trusting and respecting the other person as well as yourself is a good place to start. Part of the A.S. dilemma is that Asperger Syndrome is a spectrum disorder which means the levels of strengths, weakness, capabilities and understanding are very different for each individual. Environment factors, amount of support, circumstances and experiences will factor in to how the A.S. individual copes and overcomes their personal life experiences. But if an Aspie wishes to have relationships then they also must work to achieve success just as any typical or non-typical bond would be required to do. A.S. can make it difficult to walk out your door each day so to become involved with society does take an enormous amount of work and a relationship that you believe is possible and of positive meaning, will take even more work. Be honest with the other person about your struggles with social ques and understanding and learn to trust the other person and ask questions if you do not know or believe you do not understand completely. This is a way of showing that you care to learn and adapt to their needs, wants, emotions, thoughts, ideas and goals. Some people have "Date Night", try a "How Are You Doing Night" and listen, don't allow it to be only you talking. Listen...Really Listen! Intimacy does not just pertain to sexual intimacy, it is also the union and sharing of two people on an emotional level. Typical couples struggle with the same things so don't feel as though your A.S. differences are the only problem. Relationships can actually make an Aspie feel typical because relationships are hard for everyone but they also are a gift of many awesome and beautiful experiences in life.
In the past few years, Asperger Syndrome has received an extreme amount of attention and awareness due to better diagnostic testing, the media and a broaden awareness by individuals that may now question whether they could be on the spectrum. Happily, the awareness is bringing better understanding and acceptance but it has also open the doors for it to be used as a "Catch All Phrase" and an excuse for some people. This can cause severe problems for those that do struggle each day to function in a world that already fears differences and may not be so patient and understanding. Since I personally advocate and speak to the public about Aspergers, I have found that many times after meeting and hearing me speak, some have questioned whether this may be the problem with their spouse. Maybe they are undiagnosed AS? I question, " Maybe they are just selfish and you are in an unhappy, one-sided relationship?" I could be wrong but using A.S. as an excuse makes it very difficult to prove to yourself and others that we can succeed in relationships. People go to work, come home, eat dinner, run through their routines and try to meet all the daily demands of life. If we neglect the relationship and are not consistent with staying committed to its needs, it will crumble like a poorly built house. If there are children in the relationship, parenting means a joint effort to share in the children's needs. If one of the people in the relationship is only about their needs and them self, the other will be left to believe that they are not important, not being heard or seen and their needs are of no concern. Being an A.S. individual can make it very difficult to understand what the other person is thinking or needs but as I said before, it is never an excuse not to try to learn. ASK! Someone that is selfish will not wish to try and learn and this is where the truth comes that, YOU CANNOT HELP SOMEONE, IF THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO HELP THEMSELVES! "(or they don't want to) You may be in a "One -sided relationship" You may have already become invisible except for being a sounding board or you may have even taken on the parent role instead of being seen as a partner. You may be the person that is not" Holding up their end". The "One-sided Spouse" will damage the emotional intimacy of the relationship and leave the other feeling inadequate, neglected and insignificant. A spouse who is self absorbed in their own personal responsibilities, interests, needs, wants and hobbies, will become entangled in their own world of chaos and expect you to still be there for them when they need you to be. Even though they may not intentionally be trying to hurt their mate, the damage is being done and the emotionally drained spouse will grow silent, withdrawn, depressed and more apart from the one-sided spouse. The distance may take years or it may happen quickly but it will happen. This is not caused by Asperger Syndrome, this is an individual's choice!
ARE YOU IN A ONE-SIDED RELATIONSHIP? ARE YOU THE REASON IT IS ONE-SIDED? DO YOU WISH TO TRY TO BE A COUPLE? WHAT DO YOU DO?
Tough questions but if you wish to find the answers it will take honesty, awareness, communication and work. Let us look at two spouses that we will name Jim and Tess. Jim does not know if he has Asperger Syndrome yet has never felt as he belonged socially and he always just went the direction that he chose to go. Tess is a typical person who had friends growing up but was not a "social butterfly" (I had to look that up). Both went to college and received degrees in their fields of interests and it was at college that they first met. Jim watched Tess and saw a person that he thought would be a good candidate for his future. Tess was kind, understanding and patient. She also was very smart and would listen to Jim and show an interest in his ideas and plans. After their first encounter, Jim found Tess to be lacking in a feeling of self-worth and in his mind felt he could provide her with worth. He did not notice that she was a beautiful woman that was not afraid to express who she was through her emotions, he only saw what his employee job requirements would be for a partner and Tess fit that description. Jim was relentless in having Tess share his life and Tess grew to appreciate the attention. They eventually married. Jim felt he had his trophy. They had two children and started a business, Jim's business. Tess became the responsible person in all areas beyond the business including taking care of all of Jim's needs and life went on.....Years have passed, the children have grown and moved on and Jim and Tess are now living emotionally apart yet still together. Tess feels disconnected, emotionally neglected, trapped and depressed with no self-esteem. Jim is content and therefore does not see that there is anything wrong. As he becomes more aware, he is at a loss to understand and does not wish to try to figure it out as long as his needs are still being met. Can they repair the damage? Can they find a balance to be a couple, something that although it was a mirage in the beginning, can it now be developed to become a reality?
- If you are an A.S. individual then be honest in the beginning. If you have recently discovered that you are an Aspie and you truly wish to make the changes and balance your relationship and become a couple....You have work to do!
- If you are a typical person and knew that your spouse has A.S. then help to develop a plan, they were honest but they need your help to better see and hear you. If you just recently discovered your spouse has A.S. do your research on A.S. and then be honest to yourself and your spouse whether you believe you can work to meet them halfway to a new beginning in the relationship.
- If you are a selfish person who can only be content when all your needs and wants are met even at the expense of your spouse or partner...This is where I should filter since I do not wish to put into words how cruel it is to inflict emotional abuse on
another. Do the right thing and let them be free from your war.
- If you are someone with a selfish person, step away and honor yourself for you have worth. You do not have to feel invisible and if you just lay down and ignore what is true, you will be the doormat that the mud gets wiped on.
All relationships are an investment. If one person is investing and the other is just riding along in the relationship, it may be time to readjust the relationship expectations or end the relationship. This may prove difficult if there is years invested into the relationship but unless the person keeping up their part is willing to continue doing so, it may be time to re-invest. Start small on trying to give opportunity to find the balance. Try these four areas within your relationship to see if there could be hope:
(Being responsible enough to take out the trash if that is your job, that may seem trivial but it is showing you care. If you promise to do something, do it! If you agreed upon plans..go! If the other person has made plans to enjoy themselves...be happy for them!)
Do not degrade the other person or make them feel they are less. When disagreeing, do not yell louder, take the time to understand the situation and work together towards a solution. ( have you ever watched those talk shows where two people spend an hour accusing and yelling at one another....defensive with no solution) In a relationship as a couple, if one wins then you both lose. If you can come to an mutual agreement, you both win. Relationships are like a house. Trust and respect are the foundation. Adaptability and communication are the structure. Commitment and dependability are the walls. Appreciating one another are the decoration you adore the home with. Build a strong relationship and you will be appreciated and protected.
There are many types of relationships you can become part of and if you are both willing to overcome obstacles adapt, trust in each other and work together, you can balance your lives together as a couple.
Sexuality and Relationships
Sex and sexuality, this is still considered a socially taboo and sensitive subject, yet it is a natural part of life and being. Who do you ask? How do you learn? What are the rules? What is acceptable? Are you confused?
Already considered different due to being Autistic, your sexual preferences or lack there of, will make life even more of a socially teetering balance act.
Sexuality! Understanding the individual perception and acceptance of how you choose to express yourself in this area, is very complicated!!!!
Whether you are on the spectrum or an NT, this is one area where your preferences and how you choose to live your life....are your personal choices that express and are the truth of who you are.
Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Transsexual, Asexual, Androgynous....
whether you are Autistic or NT, your sexual preference is personal to you. Are you hearing this!!
If you attempt to define a "couple" in a relationship within society when it comes to sex and sexuality, many people have differences. Wow, an area within society that is typically diverse.
Now let's get real about the problems with being an Aspie and attempting to not only understand yourself, but to find a comfortable balance with your differences and to finding a partner that you can be yourself when around them.
ASD individuals are more likely to be attracted to a person for their intellect and character rather than to a physical attraction.
The problems? Your inexperience with relationships, misunderstanding the social cues, expressing your own emotions and reading the emotions of others, being gullible, being naive, sensory issues and the honesty of who you are attracted to and whether it is for emotional reasons or sexual reasons..or both. Aspies tend to live in the moment, so visualizing a future with someone else, will be difficult. Having patience and trusting in the other person so that you are not continually looking for purpose and immediate results within the partnership. Some things are not always so obvious but each step is still a step forward. And then there is the "waiting for the breakage." Waiting for it to come to an end. There are a multitude of reasons to crave companionship and there are just as many to abstain from "getting too close". And then there is the biggest reasons in discovering and enjoying a relationship, sharing yourself and enjoying someone else's company. "How, where, who, when and why?" These are all knowledge and confidence based questions.
Have your past attempts at relationships ended in failure? Have you been a "shut in" for many years? Has your past been one of heart ache and painful memories? No wonder your confidence is low. So how do you take all of these barriers that are making it difficult to discover yourself and then possibly find a companion....RESEARCH, LEARN, ATTEMPT, ADAPT and MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU.
There is no perfect answers and knowledge based information that will definitely work for you. You need to understand you and then when you meet someone, you need to become aware of their wants and needs. Tough one, eh! Taking in to account your personality, sensory issues, OCDs and general outlook on life, the first place to begin is by being the observer (not a creepy stalker) in your quest to start a relationship. The person you may wish to connect with has different thoughts, feelings and ideas then you do. They have their own schedules, routines and relationships. Discover who they are. It is very difficult for an Aspie to engage and become part of someone else's life but if you do some research into the life of the person you may wish to have a relationship with, and the person has shown an interest in you...consider it an investment.
An Aspie's "All or Nothing" (black or white thinking), it may be difficult to understand that when you are in any relationship, you must still allow the other and yourself to have a life outside of the relationship. Do not be a "cling on" and stick to the person like glue. Each person must be able to have FREE WILL without guilt or feeling as though they are solely responsible for the other person, their life, happiness and success. Walk beside the other, not in front nor behind! Remember, you attract the level of your own self worth...you are worth it!!!
Now, the hardest part is going to be adapting. THE BIGGEST REASON FOR THE BREAKDOWN OF ANY RELATIONSHIP IS...LACK OF ADAPTABILITY. If you and/or your partner are not willing or able to adapt to the others persons needs and wants....SNAP..broken agreement. (and this works both ways) Being sensitive to the other persons needs can be difficult since we do struggle in this area, so ASK! Question the person about their thoughts and needs. If more individuals did this when having a relationship and/or having a sexual experience, there would be more of an opportunity of both parties being satisfied and enjoying the experience. So ask the other person how they feel, what they like or don't like. Their intentions, goals and what they feel about the relationship.
If you don't mention that the hair left in the sink bothers you, eventually there will be a clog. If you are not honest with the other person...the emotions and feelings will cease to move along smoothly. You both have to work at it.
*This is important....do not allow yourself to be used, victimized, degraded or made to feel worthless or less than. If someone is controlling you, abusing you or stripping you of your self worth...LEAVE!
No relationship is worth losing yourself in....or even worse...you being hurt! And never do this to someone else either. Be aware of your actions and reactions and become aware of the other person's.
There are no definites to any relationship. The term, "Walking on eggshells" sums up how it will feel to begin and sustain any relationship. Yet, to walk slowly and carefully. To always be aware and open to changes in direction. Is worth the effort if you would like to share yourself with someone else and have them share them self with you. Know you and step confidently.
Remember to be you but also be willing to adapt.
Aspies tend to "stick like glue does to paper" in relationships. Honor yourself with time where you refocus on you or it may create problems (change and occasional separation time is healthy in a relationship)
Trust in your partner by asking them the questions
Trust in you...you have to believe in your strengths!!!!
POEMS FOR ASPIES:written by me
Someone to Meet your Needs
When we are born are needs are usually met
Food, shelter, love, education and confidence
As we age we find ways to meet our own needs
Food, shelter, confidence and love
Sometimes we will meet someone that we want to have in our lives
So we bond ourselves together in marriage
Yet sometimes, we lose our confidence in ourselves
Sometimes we forget to continue to learn
We no longer strive to obtain what it was we supplied for ourselves
We look to the other to supply for our needs
To have found someone that will meet your needs
This is wrong
It is selfish to expect someone else to give solely of themselves
Unconditionally give for your benefit
You need to rely on yourself
Find a path to your own needs
The pressure you place on another is unjust
Unjust if you are not of the strength to stand alone
Marriage is an investment
Bring to it all that you possess to meet your needs
Then you can share in what there is to offer
You can receive with no guilt
Then there will be a future of comfort
Do not ask for your needs to be met
Do not expect that the other will always meet them
You are the one that must meet your needs
There is no one but you that knows what they are
There is no one but you that can provide for them
If you find yourself in need
Invest in you
There is no one else that will meet your needs
Your search will destroy all that you seek
You will become lost
Wandering alone with needs
Who can meet your needs
Who will allow you to be complete
You !!
Touching Souls
Just a small thin barrier yet they are worlds apart
Their hearts are heavy
The glass that separates them, fogs with each breath
They press their hands against the cold pane
They touch through the glass
Their emotions and wants transcend through the barrier
They look deep into each others soul
Into the others eyes
The window of the soul
There is the truth
They know
Never shall they truly meet
Never will they really know the other
Never may they share a true moment together
It is just a small thin barrier
Yet it will always keep them worlds apart
Their souls will never be accepted for what is true
The barrier will keep them from touching
Touching souls
Love ?
The question of love
Is it a choice or a feeling, an emotion
Do we have control over love
Do we make a choice where we direct our love
We meet as our external selves
When we choose to learn of the others external self
We will begin to see them as beautiful, appealing
Due to events or circumstances we make choices
Love may be controlled by these events or circumstances
It may be a time when your life has a void
When your external self, your ego, is in need
We may want to fill the void with what we assume to be love
Or is it our sexual cravings
The need to be needed, the want to be wanted
To need is to deny yourself choices
You can still control your emotions because they are of internal self
To show emotion is to trust in yourself
To give emotion is to trust in another
When we choose to learn of an others internal self
When we allow them to learn more of our self
We are deciding to take responsibility
We then choose to love in whole or part
To love that of blood, is your duty
To not is a burden of guilt
You are capable of falling out of love
To make a choice that the others internal self is not one of trust
When these choices are made of ego, a void
You will forever be sad if you are of want
Make the choice to love in yourself
Choose for yourself before you choose for others
If you choose to understand you
Understand your emotions
Emotions are part of self
We can take control over emotions
We can alter our emotions
Then love is a choice
Already considered different due to being Autistic, your sexual preferences or lack there of, will make life even more of a socially teetering balance act.
Sexuality! Understanding the individual perception and acceptance of how you choose to express yourself in this area, is very complicated!!!!
Whether you are on the spectrum or an NT, this is one area where your preferences and how you choose to live your life....are your personal choices that express and are the truth of who you are.
Heterosexual, Homosexual, Bisexual, Transsexual, Asexual, Androgynous....
whether you are Autistic or NT, your sexual preference is personal to you. Are you hearing this!!
If you attempt to define a "couple" in a relationship within society when it comes to sex and sexuality, many people have differences. Wow, an area within society that is typically diverse.
Now let's get real about the problems with being an Aspie and attempting to not only understand yourself, but to find a comfortable balance with your differences and to finding a partner that you can be yourself when around them.
ASD individuals are more likely to be attracted to a person for their intellect and character rather than to a physical attraction.
The problems? Your inexperience with relationships, misunderstanding the social cues, expressing your own emotions and reading the emotions of others, being gullible, being naive, sensory issues and the honesty of who you are attracted to and whether it is for emotional reasons or sexual reasons..or both. Aspies tend to live in the moment, so visualizing a future with someone else, will be difficult. Having patience and trusting in the other person so that you are not continually looking for purpose and immediate results within the partnership. Some things are not always so obvious but each step is still a step forward. And then there is the "waiting for the breakage." Waiting for it to come to an end. There are a multitude of reasons to crave companionship and there are just as many to abstain from "getting too close". And then there is the biggest reasons in discovering and enjoying a relationship, sharing yourself and enjoying someone else's company. "How, where, who, when and why?" These are all knowledge and confidence based questions.
Have your past attempts at relationships ended in failure? Have you been a "shut in" for many years? Has your past been one of heart ache and painful memories? No wonder your confidence is low. So how do you take all of these barriers that are making it difficult to discover yourself and then possibly find a companion....RESEARCH, LEARN, ATTEMPT, ADAPT and MAKE CHOICES FOR YOU.
There is no perfect answers and knowledge based information that will definitely work for you. You need to understand you and then when you meet someone, you need to become aware of their wants and needs. Tough one, eh! Taking in to account your personality, sensory issues, OCDs and general outlook on life, the first place to begin is by being the observer (not a creepy stalker) in your quest to start a relationship. The person you may wish to connect with has different thoughts, feelings and ideas then you do. They have their own schedules, routines and relationships. Discover who they are. It is very difficult for an Aspie to engage and become part of someone else's life but if you do some research into the life of the person you may wish to have a relationship with, and the person has shown an interest in you...consider it an investment.
An Aspie's "All or Nothing" (black or white thinking), it may be difficult to understand that when you are in any relationship, you must still allow the other and yourself to have a life outside of the relationship. Do not be a "cling on" and stick to the person like glue. Each person must be able to have FREE WILL without guilt or feeling as though they are solely responsible for the other person, their life, happiness and success. Walk beside the other, not in front nor behind! Remember, you attract the level of your own self worth...you are worth it!!!
Now, the hardest part is going to be adapting. THE BIGGEST REASON FOR THE BREAKDOWN OF ANY RELATIONSHIP IS...LACK OF ADAPTABILITY. If you and/or your partner are not willing or able to adapt to the others persons needs and wants....SNAP..broken agreement. (and this works both ways) Being sensitive to the other persons needs can be difficult since we do struggle in this area, so ASK! Question the person about their thoughts and needs. If more individuals did this when having a relationship and/or having a sexual experience, there would be more of an opportunity of both parties being satisfied and enjoying the experience. So ask the other person how they feel, what they like or don't like. Their intentions, goals and what they feel about the relationship.
If you don't mention that the hair left in the sink bothers you, eventually there will be a clog. If you are not honest with the other person...the emotions and feelings will cease to move along smoothly. You both have to work at it.
*This is important....do not allow yourself to be used, victimized, degraded or made to feel worthless or less than. If someone is controlling you, abusing you or stripping you of your self worth...LEAVE!
No relationship is worth losing yourself in....or even worse...you being hurt! And never do this to someone else either. Be aware of your actions and reactions and become aware of the other person's.
There are no definites to any relationship. The term, "Walking on eggshells" sums up how it will feel to begin and sustain any relationship. Yet, to walk slowly and carefully. To always be aware and open to changes in direction. Is worth the effort if you would like to share yourself with someone else and have them share them self with you. Know you and step confidently.
Remember to be you but also be willing to adapt.
Aspies tend to "stick like glue does to paper" in relationships. Honor yourself with time where you refocus on you or it may create problems (change and occasional separation time is healthy in a relationship)
Trust in your partner by asking them the questions
Trust in you...you have to believe in your strengths!!!!
POEMS FOR ASPIES:written by me
Someone to Meet your Needs
When we are born are needs are usually met
Food, shelter, love, education and confidence
As we age we find ways to meet our own needs
Food, shelter, confidence and love
Sometimes we will meet someone that we want to have in our lives
So we bond ourselves together in marriage
Yet sometimes, we lose our confidence in ourselves
Sometimes we forget to continue to learn
We no longer strive to obtain what it was we supplied for ourselves
We look to the other to supply for our needs
To have found someone that will meet your needs
This is wrong
It is selfish to expect someone else to give solely of themselves
Unconditionally give for your benefit
You need to rely on yourself
Find a path to your own needs
The pressure you place on another is unjust
Unjust if you are not of the strength to stand alone
Marriage is an investment
Bring to it all that you possess to meet your needs
Then you can share in what there is to offer
You can receive with no guilt
Then there will be a future of comfort
Do not ask for your needs to be met
Do not expect that the other will always meet them
You are the one that must meet your needs
There is no one but you that knows what they are
There is no one but you that can provide for them
If you find yourself in need
Invest in you
There is no one else that will meet your needs
Your search will destroy all that you seek
You will become lost
Wandering alone with needs
Who can meet your needs
Who will allow you to be complete
You !!
Touching Souls
Just a small thin barrier yet they are worlds apart
Their hearts are heavy
The glass that separates them, fogs with each breath
They press their hands against the cold pane
They touch through the glass
Their emotions and wants transcend through the barrier
They look deep into each others soul
Into the others eyes
The window of the soul
There is the truth
They know
Never shall they truly meet
Never will they really know the other
Never may they share a true moment together
It is just a small thin barrier
Yet it will always keep them worlds apart
Their souls will never be accepted for what is true
The barrier will keep them from touching
Touching souls
Love ?
The question of love
Is it a choice or a feeling, an emotion
Do we have control over love
Do we make a choice where we direct our love
We meet as our external selves
When we choose to learn of the others external self
We will begin to see them as beautiful, appealing
Due to events or circumstances we make choices
Love may be controlled by these events or circumstances
It may be a time when your life has a void
When your external self, your ego, is in need
We may want to fill the void with what we assume to be love
Or is it our sexual cravings
The need to be needed, the want to be wanted
To need is to deny yourself choices
You can still control your emotions because they are of internal self
To show emotion is to trust in yourself
To give emotion is to trust in another
When we choose to learn of an others internal self
When we allow them to learn more of our self
We are deciding to take responsibility
We then choose to love in whole or part
To love that of blood, is your duty
To not is a burden of guilt
You are capable of falling out of love
To make a choice that the others internal self is not one of trust
When these choices are made of ego, a void
You will forever be sad if you are of want
Make the choice to love in yourself
Choose for yourself before you choose for others
If you choose to understand you
Understand your emotions
Emotions are part of self
We can take control over emotions
We can alter our emotions
Then love is a choice
